Today was my appointment. I was anxious when I got there because I was running a little late and literally flew down the highway and made it to the hospital in only 1 hour (normally a 1.5-2 hour drive...I was careful. No worries :) ). I literally ran down the hallway to my appointment and was only 5 minutes late. Dr. P looked at me and said "hey so, how many days since your last period?" I responded "81". His jaw dropped "excuse me?" "81" I said again as I followed the nurse to have my blood pressure taken. "8. 1.? 81? WHOA". We talked for a minute about what could be causing it. Could it be PCOS? No, I've tested negative for that a few times. I have literally NO other symptoms of any diseases except, I just don't have a period. I asked if it could have anything to do with Vitamin D but he said no (which conflicts what I've read online...but the internet is not a doctor). A quick exam proved everything to be in the right place. What is wrong with me? I knew what was coming. I just knew what he was going to ask.
"How do you feel about IVF?"
And there it was. IVF staring me in the face. How did I feel about it? No one had ever asked me before. I felt...defeated. My body doesn't work the way it's supposed to. "IVF might be best for you. If you're not ovulating, and not having your period and there's no explanation, maybe IVF is what's best. At least meet with an RE". My time with the OB doctor is over for now. It hit me like a sack of bricks. We're moving past basic fertility treatments and moving on to major treatment. I've been preparing my body and my mind for this for months. And here it was. It didn't sit right. I wanted to leave the office and go home and start the day over....and have it not include this appointment. The appointment ended with no pelvic scan, no sonogram (which I was actually really hoping for) and a script for Provera.
I cried. I wasn't sure why I was crying...but I think it was because IVF has never been shoved in my face as a real suggestion...as a referral- as a last option. I cried almost all the way to Augusta. I needed music. I put in Tracy Chapman's CD and settled in to the sound of drums, didgeridoos and her amazing voice. And then...this song came on.
[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BksJ99wIuCw]
Even though the song is really about finding your heart and being able to love, it's also about finding strength to find your heart. Finding strength. Something I'm good at, but still something I'm perfecting, but at the same time, something I'll never be perfect at.
I did a little shopping to cheer myself up (whoever said retail therapy didn't work obviously has never tried it)- bought a new shirt, a new hat and a few records (yes, we're starting a record collection. It's pretty impressive considering we've only just started). I drove home and wasn't ready to tell Matt. I came home and immediately broke down again. How could this be happening to us? IVF- our only option? Or at least- the MAJOR option at this point. How could this be? Why us? He immediately said "we're getting a second opinion" (my mother said the same thing to me earlier today...I'm still not sure how I feel about getting a second opinion...but I guess I need to see this from all angles). I'm working on being ok with meeting with an RE. I've always known it was coming...but now, it's a reality. This is real life.
On a happier note, big changes are coming. Big. HUGE. Like, almost larger than life. Larger than I ever imagined.
But those, of course, are a secret...for now. ;)
No comments:
Post a Comment