Today, I was arguing with someone on the internet (hey, I have to pass the time somehow) about infertility. Yes, I was arguing with someone about whether or not my pregnancy is a miracle. And can you believe, they were actually condemning me for not focusing on the negative parts of my pregnancy!? WHAT?! I'm sorry, but even with all the puking, the constant heart burn (that is unlike any heartburn you'll ever have again in your whole LIFE), the big heavy belly, the back pain (which, most of my back pain is the result of a cracked rib) and the incredibly obnoxious RLS...oh wait, and the Pica, I have never felt better about myself physically, emotionally or spiritually while being pregnant. I feel like this is what I was born to do. This woman than said that she herself had tried to get pregnant for 5 years and now that she was pregnant, she wished she'd just adopted a baby.
I was so hurt by this woman's words. Not because the words "just adopt" are incredibly hurtful, but because this woman is sitting here telling me that she hates being pregnant so much and now she wishes she'd just adopted herself- after trying for 5 years. She then told me that I couldn't have possibly thought about adopting at all because I wanted to carry a child of my own. Is this woman nuts or what?! Little does she know, Matt and I were actually looking in to all the steps and expenses of adoption- and it's something we still plan to pursue in the future. We were looking all around the world at different rules and regulations (I actually read that Kenya won't let a white couple or a mixed race couple adopt from their country and with American Samoa, you have to go live there for a time with the child AND all members of the family must deny raising the baby before they will adopt to you), the expenses and of course- how life would be AFTER adopting a baby. But, it is every woman's right in this world to carry a child should she choose. I've chosen to carry my own child before we adopt a baby. I also want to say that saying the words "just adopt" to someone who is struggling with infertility is a very hurtful thing to say- even if you don't know it.
For those who don't know, I'm a pretty outspoken person (I'm sure you never would have guessed that) who has VERY strong opinions on a lot of different subjects. I rarely back down from them- and this is one of those things. Infertility is a very touchy subject with me. Even though I don't understand all aspects of it, I can still relate to how a lot of women feel. Even that feeling you get after your first 6 months of trying and there's a voice inside your head that says "you're going to hit the one year mark so prepare yourself" and so, you try to prepare yourself for that one year mark...but no matter how much you prepare yourself, you spend the entire day crying. You spend your entire doctors appointment crying. You spend the entire time your filling your Clomid prescription crying. And you try to hide all of this from everyone you know. It's hard. It's scary and it's not fair. I remember that feeling. I remember the day we hit the one year mark was my birthday and I spent the entire day in a heap of tears. I spent a portion of my day on the phone with my doctor explaining every detail of the previous year and wanting to crawl under the covers and just die- how could this be happening to me?
Now that it's over (for this time), I thank God for that journey. I'm actually GLAD he held off giving us Layla until now. Things are so much better now and I feel much more trusting of myself to be able to care for a newborn. This is what I was born to do. I know it. And I know, that no matter what goes wrong for us, we will have a miracle on our hands. Infertility is hard. It's the hardest thing I've ever done. But, all of those obnoxious things the "fertile's" say are true. It will happen when it's supposed to happen. Everything happens for a reason and in the end, you'll look back and see what the reason was.
I remember all of those feelings and quite honestly, throwing up every day for 17 weeks was a pleasure after watching everyone I know get pregnant but me (or so it felt like at the time), or, even worse, after going to countless baby showers and having to watch people fawn over the expectant mother and other babies in the room. I'd rather puke than go through that any day of the week.
No comments:
Post a Comment