35 Weeks.

Here I am, 35 weeks pregnant with our miracle baby. I'm sad that this pregnancy journey is coming to a close...but excited for the next part! This baby that we wanted SO badly and worked SO hard for will be here in a matter of weeks and I can't wait to kiss her sweet face, count her fingers and toes and watch Matt learn about his daughter. It's going to be a wild ride but, we've got the right mindset, I think. I'm all the time asking Matt when we can start making more babies and, to be honest, neither of us seem quite sure right now. I know I want a big family because growing up, it was just my Mom and I. I've always wanted to give my children lots of playmates :). Having more babies scares me a little. Not because I'm scared of children (duh) but because, I'm scared that it will take us forever to get pregnant again. What if it takes us ANOTHER 3 years to have our next baby (Baby A or Baby J!)...or what if we never have more babies? Not that I wouldn't be perfectly happy with just Layla- so far she's the center of my world and she's not even here yet! But there's so much I want to give her- including little brothers and sisters to play with. When my Doctor and I first started discussing the IVF option, he told me that, a lot of times, people who struggled to get pregnant with their first child have an easier time getting pregnant with their second. This is both a HUGE relief and a huge fear. We've both discussed our options once Layla is born and we plan to avoid pregnancy the natural way (this is me, refusing birth control!). But, what if our methods fail so quickly? What if we have another baby right away? So much unknown and hard to control- it just kills me! BUT, like always, God's timing is perfect and he'll give us what we need, when we need it. Until then, I'm just trying to enjoy this rollercoaster ride with our sweet baby girl (who is currently kicking me in the ribs!). There's a ton to learn over the coming weeks and I'm trying very hard to keep an open mind- especially about giving birth. Yesterday I was having a few contractions here and there and, even though they were uncomfortable, they didn't HURT hurt. I just breathed through them and was fine. My next appointment is in a week from Monday and Matt gets to go to this one! He hasn't been able to go since our 20 week scan because he always has to work so I'm really anxious for him to see her again :).

There are so many emotions I feel when I think about this pregnancy. We struggled so much for her and wanted her so badly. You can't know the pain of infertility unless you have struggled through it. It's hard to explain...there are some women out there who really truly think they know the pain of infertility- but they just plain don't. I'm scared that we may never have another baby, I'm scared it may take years for us to have another baby...but I just have to have faith. I'm excited and nervous to be a mother. I've never done it before. There are a lot of questions I have that are unanswered, but I'll learn them as I go. Although I love hearing advice, I take it all with a grain of salt. Every baby and mother is different. When we first found out I was pregnant, EVERYONE told me to play classical music for the baby. So far, I haven't played one second of classical music for her. She likes the Beatles and Cass Elliot so guess what? That's who she listens too. The Beatles music has just as many (if not more) depths to it than Bach or Beethoven. It's a struggle to hear all the different forms of advice that I get but, ultimately, it's up to me as a mother and Matt and I as parents to know what's best for Layla when it comes to any situation. It will be hard, but I can't wait.

And now I have to clean the house.