A tough decision.

So, remember how I told you I had a retained placenta? Apparently, I didn't. What actually happened was that, after birth, my uterus contracted (as it should) but then, a week or so later, that contraction let loose (hence all the blood). Anyways, I went to see my OB doctor about it and they gave me a pill (the name escapes me right now. Let's call it The Devil ok?) and told me it would make me cramp but eventually the bleeding would stop. What he DIDN'T tell me is that it would dry up my milk and I wouldn't be able to breast feed while taking the pill (or after). So, I read the directions and realized I would have to pump and dump for 2 whole days. I followed a pretty tight schedule only missing one pump session and by the end of it, it was taking me over an hour to get one ounce of milk out. This was after I had a pretty weak supply to begin with. 

So, we had to make the very hard decision to switch to formula feeding. Suffice to say, I hate it. I don't feel like I'm bonding with her in the way I was promised I would. The formula is disgusting to look at, to smell (especially when she burps it up) and to think about. The only good news is that she sleeps for longer periods during the night and she is growing and healthy. I'm giving her a couple more days to get used to the formula before calling her pediatrician. She's not having the easiest time with digesting it and she cries at night when she tries to poop. I feel bad for her laying there, squirming and crying. 

I didn't handle the switch well at ALL. I cried for 2 days about the thought of pumping my precious milk baby full of artificial crap every 3-4 hours. But, I've been reminded that it doesn't mean I'm a bad mother (something all new parents question within the first few weeks, I'm sure). It just means, my body wasn't handling breast feeding the way it should and, the next best alternative to make sure Layla is a healthy growing girl is to give her formula. As much as it pains me to see my baby suck down these artificial ingredients and artificial taste, it makes my heart sing to see her growing and healthy. And advanced! She's holding her head up, learning her name, moving her hands all around, reaching and grabbing for things, smiling (and not just gas smiles!). She's interacting with the world around her and it's so marvelous to watch! We started a tummy time routine yesterday and I'm trying to keep it going today. Just a few minutes a day right now (she's only 3 weeks old!) and we'll double it next week. A few minutes, twice a day! She absolutely LOVES her swing and she's really starting to love snuggle time with mommy and daddy. She went through a short phase where daddy made her cry. I reminded him it was a phase and, soon she'd probably hate to be around me and only want him (I dread that day!). 

It's safe to say, we both are so in love with Layla. I honestly can't remember what life was like before she came around- or what I did on a daily basis! Right now, I can barely keep up with the laundry. Add diaper changes, bottle cleaning, spit up (yes, she does that a LOT while learning to digest her new formula!), baby baths, cooking and light cleaning into the mix and it makes for a very busy day! I'm slowly learning how to put her down and get my stuff done throughout the day. It was hard at first (mentally and, it's hard to know what to do with a newborn) but, I've learned. I have baby items strategically placed around the house. She sits in her bouncy seat while I shower, she lays in her swing while I clean and make myself lunch. The only thing I haven't quite learned yet is when I'm supposed to eat? This child is hungry the MOMENT I sit down to eat. Her feeding schedule changes regularly because she's still growing. When she goes through a growth spurt, you can tell! She eats more and sleeps more. She has officially outgrown her newborn clothes. It makes me sad to know that my baby will never be that small again! We're saving them though because, well, we are definitely planning on a baby number 2 and there's a 50% chance it will be a girl!

Me and my growing girl :) I love her!

I made this little video for my babes. I plan to burn it to DVD and put it in her baby book :). 

That's all for now I guess! It's time to make up some bottles to get us through the night, put some pajamas on my girl and start our nightly routine!