A Good Mother.

During the first two weeks after Layla's arrival, I asked myself and my husband SEVERAL times "am I a good mother?". Of course, my husband always said "yes. You're doing a great job". My mind was FILLED with doubt. Am I doing this right? Am I causing her pain? Is she uncomfortable because of me? Does she like living with us? Is she happy we're her parents? So many questions. How could I juggle regular life with her in it? Nothing would ever be the same. I was convinced. But, eventually, I figured it out. Now, I can easily do a load of laundry with one arm. I can cook an entire meal, feed her and hold her at the same time. Does that make me a good mother? Probably not.

Then, there was the inner (and outer) battle with breast milk. Did I have enough? Was she eating enough? Hemmorhaging and having to take that stupid pill that eventually dried everything up. The gut wrenching decision to give her formula full time. Crying every time I watched her gulp down a bottle...it was too much for a new mother to handle. But, ultimately, giving my child formula doesn't make me a bad mother. It doesn't make me a good mother either.

When I was pregnant, I told myself "I will never put a disposable diaper on my baby's bum". But when she came out, her bum was too small for any of her cloth diapers (until today! YAY!). We put disposables on her every day for weeks and weeks. And, she has to continue in disposables through out the week because of daycare. It doesn't mean I'm a bad mother. It doesn't mean I'm a good mother.

Daycare. Need I say more? I hate it. I want my girl home with me all day, every day. All I want is for my girl to be with me. Everyone keeps telling me what a great experience daycare is...but I'm not convinced. I went to daycare and, I'll admit, I loved it. I still have friends I made in daycare. It was a great experience for me...but I don't want Layla there. Not because I don't want her to have friends...but because, a stay at home mom life is much more stabilizing in my eyes. It's not that I don't love my daycare provider (because I do. She's amazing!), and it isn't that I don't appreciate her caring for my daughter on a daily basis...but I want to be the one doing it. I want to change her diapers, give her a bottle, kiss her, snuggle her, make her smile....I want that. I hate sharing it. Does daycare make me a bad mother? Certainly not. I'm still convincing myself that it doesn't...but it didn't make MY mother a bad mother.

So, what makes a mother good and what makes a mother bad? 

The only answer I can come up with is this: LOVE. Loving someone isn't just saying "I love you" on a daily basis or giving them presents. Wiping poop off their bum while getting it on your hands...then waiting to wipe your hands off until they are taken care of. That's one way I express my love to Layla. Using my bare hands to wipe spit up off her face and onto my pants. Holding her until she falls asleep every night. Stopping everything I'm doing to make sure she's fed. Waking up at 2am, 3am, 4am and 5am because she has a belly ache. Doing whatever it takes to make her smile. Kissing her. Hugging her. Accepting her. Accepting her flaws (not that she has many!), pushing her to work through things she really hates (i.e. tummy time!) because I know it will make her life easier, showing her the world, reading, explaining, laughing, holding...it all is a part of love. I love and accept my girl- no matter who she is- because I'm a good mother. I don't do it for a reward (although, her smiles do come pretty close to a reward!), I don't do it so people will tell me how hard I work and how great I do. I'm a mother because I want to be. It's all I've ever wanted to be. I'm a good mother because I want to be. One day, my daughter will look back and, I'm sure, she'll find faults with how I raised her. She'll say "I'll do this different with my babies". Who doesn't? My goal isn't to be perfect. My goal is to be as good as I can be. To make sure she knows I love her and I accept every part of her. There was a time when I doubted my ability to mother. Was I a good mother? I sure was. I'm a good mother now and I know it. I know every time I look at my growing girl and she gives me a smile. 

Happy Mothers Day to all moms out there in the world. This could possibly be my new favorite holiday :).