Strength.

I'm sure there are women out there who can relate to this- my period always comes first thing in the morning. My body jolts itself awake and I make it to the bathroom just in time. I knew when I woke up this morning at 6:30, it was going to happen. My temp had dipped dramatically. The first sign of impending doom. I came out to the couch, too afraid to go into the bathroom. Finally, I figured I'd better and, there it was. Staring me back in the face- a negative pregnancy test and I didn't even have to pee on a stick.

I came out in tears and Matt and I "hugged it out". I cried- sobbed. (Let me tell you, the sinus infection I have right now certainly didn't make it any easier. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy! youch!) He held me and told me it was all going to be alright. I knew he was right but, my heart wasn't ready to hear it. Mourning the loss of our 30th "maybe baby" isn't how I wanted to spend the day. I laid on the couch feeling nothing. Numb. I looked out the window, I looked at the corner of the coffee table, I looked at the couch, I looked at the floor...nothing. Looking at nothing is easier than looking at something. I realized then- I had allowed myself to become hopeful this month. I took the positive ovulation test for too much. I allowed a positive thought in my head- I allowed myself to make a connection to something that wasn't there. I finally forced myself off the couch and into the shower. The "nothingness" continued. Matt came in to give me a kiss goodbye (our usual morning routine) and off he went. I needed some sort of inspiration to get through the day.

Pinterest is a great place for inspiration of any kind. There is a very small community of people out there who actually categorize their pins as "infertility" so I rarely search for those. They are usually nothing of spiritual help anyways. I found something that said "failure is not final". I tried so hard to think of that today. I went to work. It didn't last long. I was sobbing at my desk. I finally went to have a chat with my manager.

After a very enlightening discussion, we decided it was best if I went home and refreshed myself. So here I am, trying to "refresh". Times like these, I wish I lived in Belfast so I could go sit by the ocean and take in the salty air. Ocean air refreshes me.

But I can't let this one day get to me. Tomorrow is another day. Plus, I have a nice gluten free chocolate cake in my fridge to help ease the pain. We're back to square one again. I've heard it's not a bad place to be...but I could think of so many nicer places. Matt's home now and the world is somewhat right again.