Day 1: Facebook.
Of all the places I avoided when I was at my lowest point with infertility, Facebook was number 1. You'd be surprised how much emotional pain visiting a website can cause...but Facebook and infertility are not a good match. I was constantly updated on friends pregnancies, friends new babies, growing bellies- and none of them were mine. None of them are ever mine. And that hurts. A lot. It was just always a reminder of what I don't have. I did end up hiding some Facebook updates of people permanently and only visit their profiles when I feel I can handle it emotionally- even now. Even now, there is still an emotional toll that Facebook takes on me...but in a new way.
About 1.5 years into this journey, I started noticing a lot more "anyone want my kids?" or "man my kid is being such a brat!" statuses. At first I tried so hard to understand. I'm sure it's hard to spend every second of your life with the same little kid repeating everything you say a million times...but at the same time, I wanted that. I constantly wanted to comment on those statuses and say "if you're giving away your kids, I'll take them. You obviously don't appreciate them enough to deserve them in your life"...but I never said a word. I just got annoyed with people.
And, of course, there were always the people getting pregnant who could barely take care of themselves. People with 5 different kids with 4 different fathers, constantly given the ability to give life and here we were, two responsible adults who both WANT babies and are ABLE to take care of them...and somehow, the world is spinning backwards. We can't make them. I created a new motto: sometimes, all the wrong people are fertile. I stand by that to this day.
Through all this, I reached out for help in other communities online. What I found was amazing. Women all over the world going through this same struggle. What I also found were women who didn't understand. Women who were blessed with the ability to give life whenever they wanted (or didn't want). Women who actually STOOD UP for complaining about their kids! Ladies who have children and who are busy- we get it. It's HARD to be a mom. But, if you don't want all the tasks that come along with the job, then don't take it. I'm sure you wouldn't work for a company that required you to clean the toilette with a toothbrush if you didn't want to right? So why is motherhood different? If you aren't fully prepared for there to be bad, horrible days- don't have children. Because believe me, there will be bad horrible days where they don't stop crying...but, you wanted it. Take the good with the bad.
I don't want to pretend like I understand motherhood in the least bit...but I understand what it is to want it. To KNOW that there will be hard times and easy times. To know that at the end of the day, no matter how tired I will be- it will be worth it.
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