A gift, the sun, a lump.

Things have been a bit shaky around the Colby home these days. I'll explain a little later in the blog. I want to start off with some happy news :).

Miss Layla got her first mail the other day! She gets more mail than me already- and, may I say, way more fun than the mail I usually get! Her cousins, Lila and Jude, sent her a sweet little bunny with her name stitched on it! She loves it and we've played with it many times (and by "we" I mean "mommy"). 

Although she seems emotionless, she's really excited about her bunny!

We also went out and spent a little time in the sun the other day! We've gone on a few walks at the park (and are planning another one this weekend with daddy!) and have spent a few days enjoying the seasonably sunny weather we've been having. Mommy LOVES herself some sun- and Layla...well, she's undecided at the moment. She likes the warmth of the sun...but not so much the brightness. We've bought her a couple of pairs of sunglasses and she's got some sunhats that she wears. She's got mad style out there!

I may have an obsession with my girl's adorable toes. 

Also, Layla was recently seen smiling and starting to laugh :). 

That tongue. I love.

Sorry I'm not sorry.

And now, the not so happy news. About a week or so ago, Layla and I were snuggling. She likes to lay on her belly, on my belly but, obviously, her head strength isn't exactly superb right now, and her head was bobbling all over the place as she tried to hold it up. She finally bonked it down on my chest. OUCH! Oh man, it hurt! Sent tingles up my neck and into my face! I handed her off to the hubby so I could investigate. My heart stopped as I felt it- a lump. A lump in my breast. I looked at him and said "I have a lump". I had him feel for confirmation. A lump. There it was. We both felt it- it wasn't in my head. I decided to wait until my 6 week check up to mention it. I assumed it to be a clogged duct right from the get go. I didn't want to work myself up into a tizzy convincing myself I had cancer...but still, the thought of a lump in my breast terrified me. Yesterday, I trudged into the doctors. I told him I felt great..except for this lump. He felt it and also decided it was a clogged duct. "Lift up your shirt" he instructed. I asked what he was going to do. "I'm going to get rid of it for you" he said. "will it hurt?" "yes. It will. So prepare yourself". Honestly, I don't think I could put that pain into words for you. Child birth- yes. I can tell you what that feels like (it feels like your body is breaking from the inside out)...but to have a doctor grab a lump in your chest, put all his weight onto your breast and try to set the clog free- oh man. There are no words. It burned, it stung, it was a throbbing type of pain, and all in a very concentrated location. I screamed a bit, I cried. I was white knuckling the table. Some milk did come out (all over the room) but, I never did have much in either breast and they are basically empty now that we are back to bottle feeding (my attempt at relactation didn't go as planned. AGAIN). He tried to loosen things up for a good 5+ minutes and finally, he gave up. I was in SO much pain. Even with the little bit of milk that came out, the lump was still there. It didn't get smaller, it didn't move and now- it hurt. He ordered a sonogram on my breast. So, I sulked home, scared of the next day. 

I left work early today so I could get to radiology for my sonogram. I was nervous all day long. I barely spoke to anyone. Finally, it was time to leave. As she touched the wand to my skin, I immediately began looking for the lump on the screen. It was easy to see. A big black thing with a big white thing in the middle. It always looks bigger on the screen (I told myself this several times). She examined me for quite a while and finally said "well, I don't know. There's obviously something there...let me get the radiologist. I'll show him the pictures and he always comes in to talk to the patients with something like this". Silence. 5 long minutes of the quietest silence I'd ever heard. FINALLY the door squeaked open and in they came. Basically, he told me it could be anything from a clog, to cancer and it's best to wait and see. Check it daily. Try and make it go away with warm compresses (which I've done). If it doesn't go away in a week or so OR if it gets worse, call Dr. P again and see if we can get a biopsy. A BIOPSY. So, now I wait. I'm on "clinical observation" for 1-2 weeks. During this time, I continue with the warm compresses. I continue with "shower massages" (which is really awkward to talk about on this blog, I feel). I continue trying to dislodge this supposed clog so I can get on with my life. Hopefully, it goes away. I've really been quite scared of it. I was hoping today's sonogram would ease my nerves but the radiologist ACTUALLY said it could be anything from a clogged duct, to an abscess, to cancer. It could be anything. 

All of this on my girls first day of daycare? Life isn't fair sometimes folks...but, we pick up the pieces and move on with the day. I'm going to miss some parts of Layla's life...but, I've been told that daycare is a good experience for her. 

Maybe it's good for her, but it isn't good for me. I miss my girl. I miss her all day.