Anniversaries.

Yesterday, the hubby and I celebrated 8 years of being together. 8 whole years! We've done a TON to grow our relationship in that time but, the biggest and most important thing we've done is have a baby. I can honestly say, there is nothing like having a baby with someone. Nothing. Marriage is great and parenthood makes this a million times better. I cannot WAIT to add to our family and grow our love even more! 

Today marks one year since seeing one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen.

I wish I could describe the emotions that go along with that positive test. Even now. Excitement, fear, happiness, anger, sadness...positives and negatives all at once. Mostly positives though. I never cried but for a second. I spent a lot of that morning wandering around my kitchen saying "now what?" So much of the previous 3 years had been filled with peeing on sticks, taking my temperature, popping Clomid and Provera, having pelvic scans...and it all ended just like that. I stopped living for me at that moment and life became about someone else. Even now, as I type this with my babe sleeping in my arms, I'm barely able to go 2 minutes without stopping to look at her beautiful face. It's all for her. I've been telling myself for weeks I need a haircut...but Layla needs more important things. Bottles, diapers, clothes, toys. She's the new number 1. Everything in life stopped when I found out I was pregnant and we haven't looked back. We're so proud of our girl. So in love with her. We cherish every single second. We may not have a ton of money or "things" to give her...but we have an abundance of love. Hugs, kisses, snuggles. That's what our life has become. She loves to play patty cake. She LOVES her new (used) walker, she loves her bouncy seat and she LOVES to snuggle with mommy. I drop whatever I'm doing when my girl cries for a snuggle. I'm all hers.

Motherhood is everything I imagined and more. There are more fears. More sacrifices. More smiles. More giggles. More tears. There's more to it. When we first brought her home, for the first 2 months I woke up multiple times a night to make sure she was breathing. I worried that I wasn't doing the right thing by rocking her to sleep every night. Cried over spilled breast milk. Cried over lack of breast milk. I laugh when she laughs. I smile when she smiles. I cry when she cries (less now than before though lol). Everything of her is me. Everything of me is her. I'm so in love with this girl in a way I never knew I could be. She is what my world spins for. 

There are no words to explain the emotions that go along with infertility. Unless you've truly gone through it, you could never understand. It's hard. More than hard. It's impossible. It feels impossible. Never ending. Jealous. Unfair. It's everything horrible. The worst part is when you get your hopes up and the bottom lets out and you're left to grieve a human that never existed. It's impossible. Having gone through it, has changed my entire view on parenting. My girl will never want for snuggles, or hugs, or kisses. She will always have an abundance of love and attention- as will future mini Colby's. There is nothing I wouldn't do for her. Even though I cursed infertility while it was happening to me, I look back and think to myself "I'm a better parent because of it". I hope to never go through it again...but, if it happens, it happens. It's hard to face that reality but, I've got to do it. 

Well, my girl will be waking up soon for a late night nosh and some snuggles. I've got a few things to do while she sleeps so I guess I'd better get going. Happy one year baby girl. I hope you know how much Mommy and Daddy love you. And how bad we want you.