Infertility.

 It's National Infertility Awareness Week!

I opted not to post about this week last year because I was busy soaking up my brand new baby girl and reveling in the fact that we did, in fact, kick Infertility's scrawny little ass.

I have to say, infertility was easily one of the hardest things I've ever faced. Tests, pills, tests, pills, sex, sex, sex, tests, pills, sex, tears, pills, pelvic scans, break downs at work, sex, tests, pills....it was the most vicious and depressing circle of emotions I've ever found myself in. Taking my temperature EVERY day for almost 3 years. If there is anyone out there who never had to "try" to get pregnant or who was able to do it in under a year- consider yourself EXTREMELY fortunate. 

Matt and I have been discussing when to try to make baby number 2. Although we are far off from trying now, the thought still terrifies me. What if Layla is 30 before we are able to make another baby? What if we never make another baby? Not that Layla isn't enough for us (she will always be enough) but, when you're so overflowing with love that all you can do is keep spreading it...how do you contain that need? It's hard. It's so hard.

To everyone going through this struggle now or to anyone who has ever gone through it in the past, silently or out loud, I commend you. I can relate to your emotions and I know the fears you have. I've tried to be as open as possible with postpartum life because not many people are. As you know, after I had Layla, I hemorrhaged BIG time. I cannot tell you the fear coursing through me as we sped away to the ER. I cried the whole way there. The WHOLE way. The desire to want a second child the second you lay your eyes on your first child is hard to explain...and I was so scared that would all be taken away from me within minutes. My husband was incredible during that entire ER stay. I was so afraid my journey with infertility would start again so soon. 

To all couples going through this right now, let me just say, I know your journey will be over soon. There are so many options for you out there and, as discouraging as it is, and as hard as it is to see a pregnant woman happily rubbing her belly...try to imagine that woman as you. She may have once been you. That may be a beautiful work of ART inside that belly. It is so hard to see beyond the bump- believe me, I know. But you will be there one day and, when you are, you will fall so hard that you'll forget all about your struggle.

So yes, infertility, we kicked your ass. We'll do it again if we have to, so get your game face on.